How can you expect your life to change if you don’t change yourself first? 

img_0705I have a habit of keeping things to myself. I now consider it quite a bad habit, because a habit that does me no good is no good to me.
There are many sayings which teach us about the importance of keeping your business to yourself, it’s nothing to do with anybody else! But can the same be said about God’s business? I’m a Christian, not the best by all means, but I try to be the best that I can be. I understand the power of fellowship and I appreciate how God uses other people to speak directly into my situations and to counsel me when I need it and even when I think I don’t. It’s a constant reminder that His power and His spirit is in and around me every challenging step of this amazing way.

And yet I have still spent so many years keeping things to myself. Things that I felt ashamed of, things that I felt that others wouldn’t understand, things that I felt no one else would care about, things that overwhelmed me and convinced me that no one should know for fear of being judged or cast away.

Things have a way of making you feel as if nothing else matters.

The enemy has a way of convincing you to keep things hidden away because what is kept in the dark is to its glory.

But my biggest lesson learned this year was such an eye opener. It helped me to understand why I spent so many years stuck in a vicious cycle of hurt, doubt and inconsistency.

In order to truly experience God’s mercy and Grace we have to be willing to reveal so that He can heal. If we don’t share our problems how we can we expect them to get fixed? God will wait, He’s good at that! Especially when it comes to us stubborn humans like me! We convince ourselves that our healing is unobtainable because we are undeserving. I spent so many years feeling this way. As a result I cut myself off from the very people that I believe God sent my way to help me through my pain. Sometimes our pain is so loud and blinding that it prevents us from obtaining that which God has set out for us.

So I began to reveal so that I could heal. I recognised that I am above my pain because I changed my perspective. My gaze rested on my God given purpose and it revealed exactly what I needed to do.

I stopped wishing and started praying for better days. I started sharing my heart with a few trusted souls and they helped me to work through some of the darkest days of my life.

We were not sent here to get through life alone. Even if it’s just one person in our life, we need to have others in our life that we can rely on.

I understand how traumatic loneliness can be and how damaging it can be to an individual’s mental state, I’ve been there, at times, I’m still there, but I keep believing, keep praying and keep hoping because I know the power and might that it has taken to get me to where I am now.

During this festive season, I am so thankful for all that I am and how far I have come.

I’ve lost so much but gained so much more. I have given up so many times in this past year alone, but by God’s grace and the love and support of a trusted few I have made it and I’m still winning.

If you want your life to change, you have to change yourself first.

I had to change my mindset in order to elevate and experience growth. The kind of growth that will form the foundation of the legacy that I hope to leave behind for my children and their children and generations to come.

In order to be the person that I am now I had to accept that where I was, wasn’t where I was supposed to be. I accepted that doing the same thing in a different way was not going to get me anywhere but stuck where I was.

I had to overcome fear, disappointment, loss, grief and replace them with courage, determination and resilience.

As a result, my children have a mum that they can rely on and I can rely on myself to make the right choices for the right reasons.

Because I changed first, my life changed.

I will walk into 2018 with a stronger body, mind and spirit.

If you want change in your life you have to be willing to change bad habits about yourself first. Only then will you truly experience everlasting and meaningful change.










No one knows how it’s going to end, but the journey still counts for something doesn’t it?


I know what it’s like to experience real and absolute love. I also know what it’s like to experience real and absolute loss.
Sometimes loss can over power the gains that we have made in our lives. At times nothing else matters except what has been taken, what can no longer be here to soothe the pain and mask the pretence that everything is ok when really it wasn’t.
Sometimes we feel the pain of losing something before we’ve even lost it. Sometimes we fight so hard to keep hold of something that was never really ours to hold on to. It may have felt right and almost perfect. But perfect often has a way of exposing its imperfections as time passes. Time changes things, and with change comes the truth. The truth cannot hide, time and change teaches us that.
The truth is, some people have a habit of holding onto what keeps them from facing their own truths. We tend to fear the unknown and refuse to step into it for fear of exposing our weaknesses. But without weakness, there can be no strength. Power and strength are born out of weakness and the possibility to achieve what we thought impossible. Navigating our way through the unknown and impossible is what exposes the best things about us. Without testing ourselves, how can we really know what we are capable of?
I have lost count of how much I have lost in my lifetime. Some losses have been almost unbearable. But I couldn’t give in to those losses, I owed it to my future self to keep going.
I lost two babies and after each painful loss, felt that there was nothing left for me to gain.
But I proved my vulnerability and dark thoughts wrong when I held my rainbow baby in my arms. I watch him progress everyday and thank God that in my weakest moments I found the strength to keep going. It’s because I did, He now can.
Don’t give all that is left of you to what is lost, remain hopeful for what is to come. It’s hard to hear, especially when you’re existing in that moment of extreme pain and loss. But what I’m learning is that it’s much more productive to put time and energy into the legacy that you want to leave behind when it finally becomes your time to become lost to this world.
Everything that once was, does and always will matter, but what matters more is what lies ahead of us.
What is ahead of us has the power to change and impact lives positively.
The truth really does set us free and moves us from strength to strength.

Maybe it’s your time to stop fighting the unknown and to start strengthening your ability to accept change and begin to own your truths instead of running from them.
The past is not ours to fight, the future remains unchartered territory and it is ours for the taking. If anything, our past should teach us to pick our battles more wisely and to only fight for what is really worth fighting for, for what strengthens our purpose and leads us towards where we’re supposed to be.
If only we could be strong enough to let go of what keeps holding us back.

We don’t know what the future holds, but every moment of the journey is preparing us for what is to come. Every positive moment is confirmation that it’s always worth holding out for better even when those negative moments threaten to convince us that maybe it’s not.
We’ve made it this far, let’s hold on to see what else is planned for us. It’s worth the wait.

‘For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’
(Jeremiah 29:11, NIV)

#Hope #Faith #Purpose
#Ability #Power #NoExcuses
#Strength #Determination #Love
#Loss #Change #Focus #KeepGoing #IfICanYouCan


Is it really worth holding out for?


I’m 36 years old. I’ve attempted suicide on three separate occasions in my life and thought about it many other times.
The first time was when I was 21 years old, a few months after graduating, September 2002. I left university and didn’t have any idea about what I was going to do with my life. I had no job, no money and felt as if I wasn’t good enough at anything to make a real future out of it. I didn’t fit in, I didn’t have anyone that understood the pain that I was experiencing. I was so lost, for the first time in my life, I couldn’t see a way out. Nothing seemed to matter, I felt that I had nothing to live for. I didn’t understand about the importance of purpose. I was in a dark place and it seemed that the light was shining on everyone else but me. So I decided it was best for me and most importantly, everybody else, if I wasn’t here anymore. I took a whole load of pills and then jumped in a taxi to my friends house. I ended up in hospital and everyone else was fighting to keep me alive except for me. But something deep inside of me knew that it wasn’t my time to go. It kept me alive.
A few weeks later I found out that I was pregnant with my daughter who is now 14 years old with a bright future ahead of her. I also went on to have my second child some years later who is destined for greatness.
The second time was around 7 years later during a particularly difficult time in my marriage. I was struggling to cope with many of the challenges that I was faced with. I couldn’t focus on my future and started to slowly lose hope in myself, the marriage and life in general. Again, I felt it would be better for myself and everyone else to just go forever so that I could no longer be a burden or disappointment.
An ambulance was called but I didn’t go to hospital that time. I slept for a few days until the darkness had left my system.
A few years later I had my 3rd child, graduated from University for the third time and qualified as a teacher.
There was another attempt a few years after the second but it wasn’t as intentional as the first two.

Why am I sharing this? Because too many people choose to give up, feeling that they  are not destined for great things. Too many people believe that they are not worthy and give up without realising just how much they are giving up. Too many people walk through each day thinking that they are the only one to be going through unbearable pain.
The point I’m trying to make is that even when in that moment it seems that there isn’t much point to anything anymore, there is always a point. There is always that point in our life when what goes down, comes back up again. I’ve learned that those low moments do not last. I also testify to the fact that the best is always yet to come.

If my first suicide attempt had been successful, I would have missed out on so much love and joy. My children would never have had a chance to fulfil their God given purpose and I would have gone against the natural laws of the Kingdom of God.
It is always worth holding out for what is to come. In those moments when it feels as if all faith is lost, remember, that sense of loss is not a sign for everything to come to an end, it is a sign to stop, change your direction or perspective and keep searching for whatever it is that will give you that sense of peace and purpose. You will find it.

It’s also a sign to pause, there is nothing wrong with stillness. It’s only when you completely stop something that you can properly analyse it in order to figure out how best to fix it.
Whatever you need to get back to that secret place of peace and tranquility will come to you when you prepare yourself to receive it.
It could be a new job, relocating, divorce, marriage, or even a trip to the gym. If you’re not ready to receive it, then work on getting yourself ready. Rid yourself of any negativity in your life. You can choose what your pour your energy into and what energy you allow into your system.

Never give up, it wasn’t my choice to make. That’s why I’m still here.
I’m so thankful for all that God has brought me through. I’m still facing many challenges, many of them, alone and afraid at times. But I’ve been through much worse and I am still smiling.
Maybe I care too much about what others think about me, but I’m yet to let a pointless opinion hold me back. Maybe I’m too trusting but I’m yet to let my naivety hold me back from achieving my goals. Maybe my anxieties are too overwhelming at times, but you’ll never see me give in to fear.

I will continue to live my life and to do it afraid. And to do it all with a smile. But don’t let my smile fool you. Never assume that someone is ok just because they are smiling. We should know from our own experience that there is pain behind every smile. It’s just whether we are bothered enough to take the time to find out.
Life is tough, and most of the time very unfair. But I have to keep reminding myself that I’ve made it this far. I honestly do not think that God would have bought me this far to just leave me stranded. Something greater is on its way so I must hold out to receive it. It’s not my job to understand the complexities of this life. It’s my job to meet each challenge head on and walk in faith to overcome them.
If I can get through the challenges of my past then I can handle the tests of my future. Be encouraged. Light overcomes darkness so keep searching for that light.

“Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”
(Deuteronomy 31:6, NIV)






Is it wrong to want to dream right by myself?

Ever since I was a young girl I’ve had dreams of being successful. 

At the time, success to me meant being rich, famous and fabulous. 

Over the years, my idea of success has changed.

I’m thankful for this shift in mindset, because I never really understood why I wanted to be all of those things that I wanted when I was younger. Back then, it was all about doing what others expected of me, following those who dreamed the same dreams as me and never really grasping the realities of life. 

As an adult I found that life often gets in the way of those dreams that once dominated every fibre of my being. Those dreams were not really made for the reality that God had planned for me. 

After I graduated from University I became pregnant. Not intent on giving up on my dreams, I persisted with the dream and became a radio entertainment reporter just a few weeks into my pregnancy . I kept the pregnancy hidden until I was rumbled by a colleague. 

It worked out well in the end because the pregnancy became the inspiration for many of the stories that we covered.  The job continued after I gave birth and it seemed that success was on its way. But the success was short lived. Life got in the way and it revealed a harsh reality to me that I wasn’t quite ready for. 

I had a family of my own and yet I was back at work around 4 weeks after giving birth. My daughter needed me and I needed her. I didn’t know how much until I lost what I thought mattered. For the first time in over a year, I was out of work and I felt that I had moved several steps back from success, from my dreams. 

It was tough and I fought hard against it at first. It’s funny how life throws curve balls, but I began to get really good at catching them instead of letting them pass me by. 

I was a good mum and I loved looking after my daughter. It was an area of my life where I felt successful, something that I’d never truly felt before. Up until then, success had been a commodity, something tangible that you could hold out and display for the world to see. 

As my daughter got older and I became wiser, the meaning of success evolved into something that was felt deep inside more so than something that was seen.

I felt a deep sense of triumph from the littlest of things such as getting a shower once baby was asleep, cooking a meal from scratch, getting us both dressed every morning and going out for a walk to the park to play on the swings. Such little things that seemed so impossible at times but became possible with a little time and perseverance. 

I could have made the choice to hold on to those dreams of yesterday, to keep speaking of a time when I had the money, fame and the fabulousness that comes with all of that. My selfish ambition almost held me back from where God needed me to be. 

Success means different things to different people.

To me, success is about building a legacy for my three children. 

It’s no longer about my dreams, it’s about theirs. 

It’s about me living my dreams, the realistic and purposeful dreams that speak into my heart and soul and not my ego. Selfish ambition brings nothing but continuous pain and suffering. Purposeful ambition keeps us in alignment with God’s long lasting plan for us. 

I eventually got back into Radio as a Producer. Whilst doing that, I knew that God’s calling on my life was greater. It was having children that helped me to identify my strengths, to do something that I’d never purposely dreamed of doing. Looking back now, I see that my dreams were showing me this all along. However,  

 I missed the signs and wonders because my selfish ambition blinded me from my truth. 

I left the world of broadcasting around 2 years ago to train as a teacher. That journey started around 3 years earlier following a deep and meaningful conversation with God in the car during my commute to work one morning. He told me “you need to get into teaching.” Now this is something that I’d often thought about ever since I was a little girl, but always dismissed it because I felt I was never good with kids. I was never picked to babysit when I was younger, I never really had much experience with other people’s children, I never really felt that I had a maternal bone in my body, until my daughter came. She changed my life and showed me that I was capable of caring for and teaching a child to understand how they can work towards being the best that they can be. It wasn’t an easy journey, I kept denying God’s plan for me by coming up with excuses. I didn’t have a grade C or above in GCSE maths. But the way was made clear for me to enrol on a GCSE maths course which fit around work. 

A year later, I failed the exam but the way was made clear for me to re-enrol. Towards the end of the course I suffered two miscarriages. The second one almost took my life just as it did my unborn child. An emergency operation and 2 days later it was my final maths exam. I could barely walk, I was in so much pain and had every reason to give up. I lay in bed dreaming about what could have been, what should have been and what would have been if I let the pain overpower my purpose. 

I chose to turn my indescribable pain into undeniable purpose and with the help of loved ones, made it to my maths exam.

I passed. 

4 years later I’m living the purposeful dream. It’s not drama free but it’s my success story. Every day I’m adding a new chapter and believe me, it’s had its fair share of ups and downs. 

But I’ve never stopped dreaming, I’m just getting better at not letting those unrealistic dreams get in the way of reality. It was time to stop sleepwalking through life, it was time to wake up and realise that meaningful dreams only come to fruition when we action them and remain true to our purpose. Dreams should not cause unnecessary pain to the ones we love. Painful dreams are nightmares which are fuelled by selfish ambition. Many of us need to wake up and recognise when it’s time to keep it moving in the right direction for the right reasons. 

I try everyday not to give up on my purposeful dreams, especially when my reality becomes too harsh and my dreams give way to nightmares. The following bible verse gives me hope and helps me to overcome:

“Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” 2 Corinthians 4:16-18 NIV 

I’m so thankful for my journey, without it I never would have truly realised my purposeful dream and turned it into a reality. 
My children are everything that I ever dreamed of. 

Because of them, I will. 






Handle with care

Are you prepared enough and strong enough in your self to be able to catch me when I fall?

I have often wrestled with my self-esteem and even today I’m not feeling as strong and confident as I normally do.
But one thing that I can be sure of is how much I value my strength. It is my strength that ensures that despite these low moments I will continue to keep going. You may see me struggle but you will never see me give up.

One thing I have learned, especially over the past year is that the human body and mind is very fragile. You have to work hard to maintain them and build them up. If I fall I may break so I have to surround myself with those who are strong enough and willing enough to catch me before I fall.
I’m not going to lie, there is not an orderly line of people cueing around the block to mend me if I break.
However, if you put yourself forward as someone who wishes to catch me if I fall, be sure that you handle me with care. My heart is way too delicate to be dropped the moment that you decide you are not strong enough to handle all that I am.

I cannot be protected, or loved or valued with words, only actions.
What you do matters more to me than what you say. Words can be manipulated and subject to interpretation but actions cannot be as easily misunderstood.
Some people say what they mean and do what they say. It’s very clear who these people are because you never see them, they’re too busy doing what they said they were going to do. They recognise that they can only shape their destiny with actions and not just words alone.
For those who spend their days trying to convince others with words over actions, please understand that you cannot catch a falling star by telling it that you will catch it; you actually have to physically reach out for that star and catch it before it falls away.

Words miss opportunities, actions catch them.



You can’t control what’s handed to you but you can control how you handle it

imageI’ve lost count of the number of times this past month alone that I’ve lifted my eyes to the skies and asked God, what on your good earth have you handed me today? How in your good name do you expect me to handle this?

So many times I’ve been caught out by my circumstance and struggled to focus on my actual stance. How I stand in the face of adversity determines how I handle it.
In order to free yourself from constraint and restriction its instinctive to just fight blindly without a second thought. Just fight and wriggle your way out of a mess until it suddenly disappears.
However, I’ve learned that in this life, without a plan to overcome the struggle there isn’t much point in fighting. It is only when you fight right that you strengthen yourself against the enemy. There isn’t much point in wasting your energy by fighting a losing battle. Not only will you weaken yourself but you also create a foothold for those who are waiting to climb on and drag you down to where they are.

God gave me this life because he knew that I was strong enough to live it. Even when I honestly do not feel that I have what it takes to live this life to the fullest, I am reminded of His grace over my life every time I see my children smile.

We may not end up the way that we intended, but I am sure that I am exactly where I need to be.
So I will continue to fight and feel myself strengthen with every battle that I face and overcome.
Though others may not understand, I rest assured that I am understood by a higher power that no one can question or judge.

Despite everything that I am going through and even though I face much of it alone as a single mum of three with a full time job and all the other stuff that comes with being responsible for 3 very talented and active kids; you can be assured that I will overcome.

You may see me struggle, but you will never see me quit.


If you don’t put in the work it won’t work……


Autopilot. The energy killer. The one thing that guarantees that change will not come in the way that you would like it to. Change is of course a constant, but how we apply ourselves determines the change that comes about in our lives.
Just as a seed needs water to grow, so does our life need sustenance such as innovation, freshness, excitement and challenge in order for progress to reveal itself and our lives to experience growth.
However, if life becomes stagnant growth can evaporate leaving us with nothing but regret and self-doubt. These things lead to regression and before we know it we’re right back where we started or pretty close to it with no clear understanding of how we got there.
Putting in the work in order for things to work out is also about demonstrating the willingness and ability to turn a dream into reality. It’s about distinguishing fantasy from fiction and being honest about what you are putting in by measuring what you are getting out of it.
If you find that you are over exerting yourself in order to make things happen then you may find that the purpose behind what you are doing has become distorted. Over working when it comes to career or home life can lead to illness and other long term implications. The same can be said for relationships; if you find that over exertion is leaving you almost numb with fatigue and unable to make sense of the most utter nonsense then maybe it’s time to accept that this particular door closed a long time ago and it’s not worth the damage to your knuckles from all of that knocking. Maybe it’s time to find a new door. Because since when did opening a door become such a chore? It’s not supposed to be.
God didn’t pledge to make things overly difficult for us. That certainly wasn’t his promise for us. He made us many promises that we must claim in faith but in particular “God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted He will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.” (1 Corinthians 10:13)
In other words, don’t stay in a toxic place and put the hard work in if the results are poisonous and destructive.
No matter what, there will always be a way out. Another door WILL come along and when it does, it should open with much more ease. If not, keep knocking until the right door opens. But you won’t ever know if it’s the right door if you refuse to put the right amount of effort in to prise it open. Simply standing at the door and wishing it open will not do anything. Praying at the door will not open it. You have to align that vision and prayer with action. Only then will you be able to progress through it or manoeuvre to the next door.

In essence, you will only ever know if it’s working or not if you actually put the work in. The outcome should elevate you not denigrate you.

Put the good work in, get the right rewards out. Switch off autopilot and keep it moving!