Is this moment better than the worst?

I often wonder about what is to come.

Is it going to get any better?

Is this is it for me?

Is the pain and suffering that I’m experiencing now worth all of the trouble that it’s causing?

Every time that these thoughts come, I think back to previous battles that I didn’t think were worth fighting for, I think of the times when I didn’t think that I was strong enough to overcome. I look back at the times when I was on my knees, crying out to God for his Mercy and Grace which just seemed to never come. I think of all of the people who gave up on me because my pain was too much for them to bear.

I think of the times when I was calling for the light to brighten the darkness that I was trapped in.

I ponder the moments when the spirit of God seemed to just pass me by, when it seemed as if I wasn’t worth saving, when nothing else mattered other than no longer existing.

I think of all of these moments of brokenness. I wonder how I’m still here, still breathing, basking in the joy that fills my soul; the very soul that until recently felt empty, void of any hope, powerless and lost.

I couldn’t have survived all that I’ve been through without the intervention of a higher power. Without the mercy and patience of a power beyond anything I could ever try to imagine.

It’s not something that I find easy to explain, it’s not something I would even expect many to understand. But for the few that do, be encouraged, it does get better. I can testify that even in this moment, what lies ahead really is worth holding out for.

The extraordinary tends not to make much sense to begin with. Instead of wasting energy trying to comprehend that which is holding us together, use the time instead to deepen the connection to it and as the relationship develops, so too will the understanding of it.

I don’t claim to fully overstand every experience that I have faced, but I try to look within each one for the lesson it was trying to teach me. I aim to grasp the authenticity of every interaction that touches my mind, body and spirit.

My aim is to deepen my connection with my inner self so that my outer being can evoke a strength beyond any barrier that might try to bend or break me.

I am a spirit builder, I won’t stop until the foundation is set and that which is built upon it is strong enough to withhold any storm. I’m not quite there yet, but I’m working everyday towards the goal.

The light within must shine bright enough to drown out even the darkest shadow.

I have hope that I will get there. My hope keeps me going everyday, even when the past fights to keep me there, in my brokenness and hopelessness. I keep pushing through and continue to press ahead.

I will not surrender. I will not forget how much I have already overcome.

I will breath, I will survive, I will be ok.

‘Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God’. (John 14:1)

#SpiritOfTheFittest #LightOverDark

#Yes #IAmInAwe #Love #Power #Might #Spirit #KeepGoing #ItsJustATest #YouWillWin #GodsSpirit


Do I have to lose in order for you to win?

We live our lives constantly experiencing imbalances of power.

As a child at school we’re either the bully or the bullied, at work we’re either the employer or the employee and at home we’re either the submissive or the dismissive. Wherever we go, whatever we do, we cannot avoid imbalance. Without this hierarchy there would be no sense of order. Or would there?

If we all started life on a level playing field how might the world look and feel? From the outside, things would seem much fairer, we would all have access to the same things at the same time in exactly the same way. Though I’m not so sure if I would be comfortable being the same as everybody else. For starters, what motivating stories about challenge and how to overcome them, would I be able to pass on to my children and their children?

Privilege is a huge imbalance that often determines the course of somebody’s life. It can either propel someone to greatness or attempt to hold someone back from achieving their true greatness.

If we all had equal access to the tools needed to succeed in life then maybe we might all get what we want out of life. Unfortunately this is not the case, and life as we know it, is very unfair.

However, one thing that I have learned through my lack of privilege is that what I want is not the same as what I need. I wouldn’t know what I needed out of life if I spent most of it getting exactly what I wanted whenever I wanted it. I wouldn’t understand the importance of God’s timing over my timing.

I know what it is to taste, to touch, to smell, to hear, to feel and to see hardship. The privilege of experiencing such hardship propelled me into the greatness that I experience regularly today.

I am still on my journey towards everlasting happiness and success but I also acknowledge the great achievements that have come along the way. I made it through my childhood where I often faced great sadness, depression and anxiety, low self-esteem, poverty and lack of opportunity.

I overcame all of those to make it into my 20’s. This era began at my lowest point. Two weeks after my first real encounter with feeling as if I had nothing left to live for, balanced itself out to become one of my highest points when I found out I was pregnant with my first child.

This era also saw a mix of further highs and lows including Marriage, another child, physical and mental abuse, career changes, setbacks, more setbacks and then a revelation that would change the course of my life forever.

At a point where I felt so lost that I thought I would never be found, at a point where I felt that I had so much on my plate at times but no appetite to eat it all; at my lowest point where it felt that l could contribute nothing more to this life, when I felt so unbalanced that the scales of life would never balance in my favour again – I found a new sense of life, I found Jesus.

Now, we may find anything in life that will serve as the one thing to uplift and motivate us. But I was privileged enough to have Him walk me through the last few years of my 20’s into my 30’s.

I am privileged enough to have Him pick me up every-time I break into small broken pieces. And now, in my mid-late 30’s I am learning to stop wanting what I don’t need and to strive for only that which will enrich my spirit and build into my legacy for my children.

He constantly reassures me every time I take a leap of faith.

I never know the outcome but I taste, touch, smell, hear, feel and see the privilege of having the one thing in my life that can overcome any of the challenges that the imbalances of life throws at me.

I don’t feel in competition with others anymore, I don’t pay attention to those who try to discredit me or deny my existence.

I don’t have to lose anymore so that you can win. That is not what imbalance of life is all about. Sometimes in life, we have to experience imbalance in order to understand what it is that we truly need. This allows us to become the best version of ourselves. When life throws you off balance, it’s only a matter of time, patience, determination, logic and faith that will help to re-position you.

If life for you is and always has been easy, then you have not lived and you are not yet the best version of yourself.

My past hardships are some of the secrets to my success. Whilst I would never wish them on anyone else, I have to acknowledge how much they have shaped the person that I am now. They have become the foundations on which I have built my life. I walk all over my hardships every day as a reminder of everything that I have been through and a warning of what I will return to if I allow my focus to shift towards other people and their privilege. Their privilege is their own story and I don’t have the right to pass judgement. Nor do I have the time or the patience to focus on other people’s journey. It is not my job to understand their journey. My own journey is much too exhausting for that.

What is most important about our destination is what we acquire, learn and surround ourselves with on the journey there. It is these things that will ensure that the destination is enjoyable and strong enough to become a legacy for generations to come.

If we can truly understand the importance of our own imbalance then maybe we can start to understand the privilege of having it and the greatness that could potentially come out of it. “We are more than conquerors through him who loved us.”

Romans 8:37

If your life feels unbalanced right now, have faith that with the right tools and mindset, things will balance themselves out.

You’ve made it this far, what makes you think that you can’t make it even further?

Don’t let the imbalances of life win. You were not born to lose.

“Neither death, nor life, neither angels, nor demons, neither the present, nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

Romans 8:38-39


How can you expect your life to change if you don’t change yourself first? 

img_0705I have a habit of keeping things to myself. I now consider it quite a bad habit, because a habit that does me no good is no good to me.
There are many sayings which teach us about the importance of keeping your business to yourself, it’s nothing to do with anybody else! But can the same be said about God’s business? I’m a Christian, not the best by all means, but I try to be the best that I can be. I understand the power of fellowship and I appreciate how God uses other people to speak directly into my situations and to counsel me when I need it and even when I think I don’t. It’s a constant reminder that His power and His spirit is in and around me every challenging step of this amazing way.

And yet I have still spent so many years keeping things to myself. Things that I felt ashamed of, things that I felt that others wouldn’t understand, things that I felt no one else would care about, things that overwhelmed me and convinced me that no one should know for fear of being judged or cast away.

Things have a way of making you feel as if nothing else matters.

The enemy has a way of convincing you to keep things hidden away because what is kept in the dark is to its glory.

But my biggest lesson learned this year was such an eye opener. It helped me to understand why I spent so many years stuck in a vicious cycle of hurt, doubt and inconsistency.

In order to truly experience God’s mercy and Grace we have to be willing to reveal so that He can heal. If we don’t share our problems how we can we expect them to get fixed? God will wait, He’s good at that! Especially when it comes to us stubborn humans like me! We convince ourselves that our healing is unobtainable because we are undeserving. I spent so many years feeling this way. As a result I cut myself off from the very people that I believe God sent my way to help me through my pain. Sometimes our pain is so loud and blinding that it prevents us from obtaining that which God has set out for us.

So I began to reveal so that I could heal. I recognised that I am above my pain because I changed my perspective. My gaze rested on my God given purpose and it revealed exactly what I needed to do.

I stopped wishing and started praying for better days. I started sharing my heart with a few trusted souls and they helped me to work through some of the darkest days of my life.

We were not sent here to get through life alone. Even if it’s just one person in our life, we need to have others in our life that we can rely on.

I understand how traumatic loneliness can be and how damaging it can be to an individual’s mental state, I’ve been there, at times, I’m still there, but I keep believing, keep praying and keep hoping because I know the power and might that it has taken to get me to where I am now.

During this festive season, I am so thankful for all that I am and how far I have come.

I’ve lost so much but gained so much more. I have given up so many times in this past year alone, but by God’s grace and the love and support of a trusted few I have made it and I’m still winning.

If you want your life to change, you have to change yourself first.

I had to change my mindset in order to elevate and experience growth. The kind of growth that will form the foundation of the legacy that I hope to leave behind for my children and their children and generations to come.

In order to be the person that I am now I had to accept that where I was, wasn’t where I was supposed to be. I accepted that doing the same thing in a different way was not going to get me anywhere but stuck where I was.

I had to overcome fear, disappointment, loss, grief and replace them with courage, determination and resilience.

As a result, my children have a mum that they can rely on and I can rely on myself to make the right choices for the right reasons.

Because I changed first, my life changed.

I will walk into 2018 with a stronger body, mind and spirit.

If you want change in your life you have to be willing to change bad habits about yourself first. Only then will you truly experience everlasting and meaningful change.









BlackAmercia, Uncategorized

Acting for a change

imageDrama is an excellent tool for change in that it challenges perception and allows individuals to explore reality in a safe space where actions and consequences can be examined in detail. It can help to prepare young minds for the real world and the many issues that they may face. It allows people to communicate, learn and understand their own and others feelings and experience reality without the pitfalls. It can also help to develop tolerance and a real and deep sense of empathy. Seeing how the world looks through someone else’s eyes can be an effective way of understanding another’s point of view. Possibly something that we need more of in our society.
The majority of young people in my drama lesson today were brown and black and my heart was heavy when I saw them because I fear for their future.
Due to my concerns about events that have happened recently in the US and even right here on our own doorstep in the UK I decided it was time to act.
No amount of hashtags and calls for justice being made behind a computer or phone screen is going to alter the fact that one of my students could be the next victim.
I wanted them to understand the dangers that they may face and understand the importance of choice, choosing their battles wisely and the consequences of injustice.
Many people are now asking what we are prepared to do about the consistent senseless killings of young men and women, in particular people of colour who are dying at the very hands of those who swore an oath to protect them.
I chose to act because it is the duty of every one of us to safeguard our young people.
They are angry, they are hurting, they are confused and they are calling for justice. Social media is encouraging individuals to take justice into their own hands instead of educating them about the problems and providing effective long term means to solutions.
Vengeance will be the death of all of us if we continue to raise our children to be filled with hate, if we continue to show them that two wrongs make a right, if we continue to force them to watch videos of our brothers and sisters being killed. Put down the phones and pick up a book. Show our young people that in order to be heard they must build their own platform. That platform is built on a solid and effective education and a strong family unit.
One can only fight injustice with knowledge, intellect, hope, unity and prayer.
I will continue to pray for our young people in the hopes that this unrest that we face is put to rest and energies are instead put into tackling the cause with effective and peaceful solutions.


Open letter to the UK Police Force

I am mum to a 12 year old daughter, 8 year old son and a one year old son.

I am concerned for their safety given the number of high profile cases of cruelty against people of colour at the hands of the very people being paid (by our taxes!) to protect them.

Many of your Police officers seem to think that they have the right to do wrong, based on the skin colour of the person that they are dealing with.

Society dictates that we should live within a hierarchical system determined solely by the colour of one’s skin. The lighter you are, the more privilege you have.

But I think that by now, in 2015, it is common knowledge that beneath our skin, we are all the same, our hearts beat the same, our blood runs through our veins the same and we all qualify for equal opportunities.

And yet between, 2014-15, seventeen people of colour died in Custody.

Recent figures also reveal that the number of people dying in police custody has reached its highest level for five years.

A recent independent review announced by Home Secretary Theresa May, could go some way towards exposing what’s really going on; though given past experience of injustice I highly doubt it.

The constant evasiveness and obstructions to justice displayed by some members of the Police force has so far paid off in your favour.

But surely you must now see that times are changing. Social media and camera phones are now exposing much of what has to this day been hidden. People are waking up to the hypocrisy and dangerous behaviour displayed by some members of the force.

It has become painfully clear that there seems to be a pattern of unjust heavy handed, highly violent and callous interactions between the Police and Citizens, particularly people of colour.

So please can you explain to me why people of colour are still being persecuted by ignorant and racist Police Officers, why people of colour make up a disproportionate percentage of the number of people in Prison and in some cases for minor offences that others would most likely get away with, or why citizens are still dying in custody and also why no Police Officer has ever been brought to justice over the mistreatment of people who have suffered an injustice at the hands of the Police.

How much longer will this and the next generation have to keep fighting for justice that they should be freely entitled to?

When will Society finally catch on to the fact that we are human first?

My colour should not dictate how far I get on in life or whether I live or die as a result of a minor traffic violation (RIP Sandra Bland).

I am sick and tired of hearing about victims who have suffered unjustly at the hands of the Police at home and abroad.

To me it’s pretty simple. Wear your badge with honour, perform your duties with honour and honour the whole community that you serve.

If corruption and cover ups be the food of your soul, then let justice starve you until you start to eat right.

I would appreciate a response from you so that I can sit my three children down and explain to them the future that they may have to face at the hands of your officers. I think they deserve to know your truth so this is your opportunity to explain yourself and maybe even be accountable to the actions of some of your gang members.

Kind regards

A concerned British citizen and mum of 3



#MarkDuggan #KingsleyBurrell  #SeanRigg #OlaseniLewis #MikeyPowell #ShekuBayoh #SmileyCulture #DemetreFraser #JacobMichael #ChristopherAdler







Media outlets! Where were you?!

reparations pic

How does a peaceful march attended by thousands of people in London slip by almost unnoticed?

Over three thousand people are estimated to have marched in support of reparations for Maafa (African enslavement) last weekend and yet no mainstream media outlets chose to cover it?

The first thing I find myself asking is why? Though the answer may well be obvious to many, it still makes me wonder why, in 2015, thousands of people of colour march to Parliament in peace to raise awareness of a serious matter that is clearly of public interest given the huge numbers of people possible affected; but no major newspaper or radio station thought it was worth a mention.

So why were the views and the concerns of these British citizens widely ignored?

This peaceful march, filled with drumming, chanting and positive vibes was given a wide berth simply because the prejudices that were apparent back in the days of slavery are unfortunately still at the heart of many British institutions.

Is this simply a race issue? In my opinion, yes it is. Will any media outlets ever admit that they don’t really care about what matters to people of colour? Of course not!

They will only care if one of us has committed a crime or if the march had descended into chaos and violence.

Until recently, I produced a specialist BBC Local radio show which covers stories that matter to the African and Caribbean community.

My final show, a week before the reparations march saw a group of Rasta’s come in to perform a live groundation (Spiritual chanting and drumming) and to raise awareness of the upcoming march.

I saw it as my duty to ensure this event received coverage. I did also wonder if anyone else would be brave enough to broadcast anything about it.

The thousands, who attended the march, did so following a successful social media, mobile platform and community radio campaign led by grass roots activists and campaigners.

I view this to be a major achievement and ground-breaking in terms of unifying the black community for something other than a carnival, wedding or funeral.

What was even more poignant about this event was the petition handed in to parliament by a delegation of community representatives including Sis Jendayi Serwah, Sis Esther Stanford-Xosei, Mama Lindiwe Tsele, Sis Natoya Smith and brothers Kweme Abubaka and Jabari Sekou.

It was titled ‘Stop the Maangamizi: We Charge Genocide/Ecocide’ requesting an All-Party Commission of Inquiry for Truth & Reparatory Justice to Downing Street.

Now all we need to do is to stop the media from blatantly ignoring the needs of the black community.

In particular, the broadcasters who force us to pay a TV license should be held to account for choosing to ignore the concerns of the community in which it is supposed to serve.